Help me blog...I can't sleep!

This might be my longest post and it's for me...I can't sleep and I have a million thoughts running through my head


I was thinking....I never really dreamed of living in Hawaii. Even after I had spent three amazing and romantic weeks on Maui and Oahu with Jason just a year after we were married...I still never imagined or dreamed I would someday live in Hawaii. I guess I am just too realistic and Hawaii is a place you go on vacation or for your anniversary, but not to live.


Well, that all changed about four years down the road when Jason called me from work one day and asked, "Do you want to go to Hawaii with me?" That was a stupid question, "Of course I want to go to Hawaii with you." I answered back. And so we went. This time we went to Kauai for one week with our three month old baby, Cole, in tow. We spent a week checking out the beauty of the island and also the possibility of coming back to spend a couple more months for Jason to do an insulation contract for a condo project. At the time we were at a crossroads trying to figure out what to do. Jason's work in Jackson, Wyoming had come to a halt. He had been offered a position in Salt Lake City with the same company which he even tried for a couple of weeks, but wasn't too excited about and neither of us wanted to move to SLC. We were going to be job searching, a much dreaded task, when this new opportunity to work for a few months on Kauai fell into our laps. We had nothing to lose. We went for it.

I had NO IDEA at the time how much this decision would impact our lives. I had NO IDEA how deeply I would come to love the island of Kauai and ESPECIALLY the dear friends we would make.

Just one week after our investigatory trip to Kauai Jason returned to start work and to get things arranged so Cole and I could join him. Cole and I were in Logan staying with my sweet mother and father in-law when I began packing a big suitcase to take to Kauai. A short time later I was pushing Cole in the stroller and pulling a huge suitcase with a backpack on my back through the airports to meet my husband in Hawaii.

I'll never forget the feelings I felt after Jason, a little sweaty and dirty from work, picked Cole and me up at the airport and we squeezed into a TWO seater Toyota truck. As we drove down the highway through the beautiful rural landscape of Kauai I felt excitement about what was to come...about the adventure of it all. Jason and I are not the best at planning. Some people see that as a negative...and I don't blame them. There are many times that I wish we had planned better, but I also love the adventure we have been on for the last fourteen years together. I don't regret any decisions we have made. We definitely did not plan on living on Kauai for six plus years nor did we plan to move back and forth across the ocean as many times as we have...it's just not a practical thing to do. But we have. Has it been easy? Of course not, I can say we have had our share of challenges, but it's been worth it and along with the trials my life has been filled with a lot of wonderful. I have an incredible husband and three adorable children to thank for that.

Yes, living on Kauai has been wonderful...even after several years, I sometimes still can't believe I am actually living in this magical place. I. LOVE. KAUAI. I absolutely love looking out the window to see beautiful palm trees swaying in the breeze and I love the sound of it even more. I love the fresh air from having my windows open all day and night ALL the time. I love that my children can play outside all day without having to bundle up. I love that we have beautiful flowers all year long and I love how much my children enjoy them. I love the ocean blue. I love the feeling of being pushed by a wave. I love the calming, soothing sight and sound of the waves rolling up on the beach. I love that my kids can play on the beach for hours and hours together- playing in the surf and exploring the ocean waters without boredom or arguments. I love the variety of fruits we have year round and the yummy smoothies we make from them. I love finding avocados on the ground because there are too many of them. I love wearing slippahs every day (flip flops, for you mainlanders). I love the lifestyle...low stress, no pressure to get ahead, no keeping up with anyone. I even love the chickens that wake me up in the morning in time to go running before the kids wake up. And I could go ON and ON and I haven't even begun with the most special part of Kauai...the people...our ohana (family in Hawaiian). Our family has been encircled in their sweet love and aloha since day one. Kauai has become our home.

So what's the problem?


As I mentioned before, we never planned on living in Hawaii...especially for this long, it just kind of happened. Jason and I have an AMAZING family circle in Cache Valley, our home sweet home. Yes, I love Cache Valley. I love hiking and biking in the mountains there especially in the fall when the leaves are gorgeous. I love being able to drive by the temple any time I want to. I love Aggie ice cream. I love the dramatic change in seasons there that I have missed living in Hawaii. I could go on forever here too, but I won't. Before coming to Kauai we always thought we would stay somewhere in or near Cache Valley so that we could be close to family close enough to continue to share strong bonds with them. I get choked up and teary eyed just thinking of the great amount of unconditional love and support that we continue to feel from our family even when they are over an ocean away. We know they think of us and pray for us and we are constantly thinking of them and praying for them as well. We miss them! It's the one major drawback to living on Kauai. And because of my strong attachment to my Ohana on Kauai and my family in Cache Valley I will forever feel torn. Sometimes I joke with Jason that we should never have come to Kauai in the first place because then I wouldn't have to struggle with those feelings whether I am living in Cache Valley or Kalaheo.


When Jason and I make a big decision we have usually prayed and agonized over it enough that by the time we make the decision we feel pretty determined. When we left Logan last July I didn't feel so determined and I questioned our decision about returning to Kauai. Maybe this was the reason our transition back to Kauai was more difficult for me this time... twice before it was so much easier. Maybe I am getting too old to move around so much...the kids had such an easy time returning. Maybe I just forgot that it DOES take a few months to feel settled, even when it's been your home before.

Then my Grandpa passed away and I missed home. I wished I could have been at his service to hear the beautiful tributes given for such an incredibly full and happy life. Weeks later, very unexpectedly, my sweet nephew, Christoph, passed away. His death has changed everything for me. I have felt SO much sorrow and I think about him every day. Although I was able to return to Logan for a week to be with my sister and her family it was SO hard to leave. I have longed to be in Cache Valley more than ever before. Do I want to leave Kauai? of course not, it is now part of my dream to live on Kauai. It didn't start out being my dream, but it is now. I am in love with Kauai as much as I am in love with Cache Valley.


On Friday Jason was told that he will most likely lose his job at the end of the year. I wasn't surprised by the news. Kauai's tourism economy has been hit hard by the economic recession and construction has slowed dramatically here. I hear about new lay-offs daily that effect our friends here. As a new hire, we knew Jason would probably be the first to go in the event of any down-sizing. I was fairly well prepared for the news, but it's still hard to take. It's ironic that Jason took the position thinking that it would provide more security than working on his own. Jason was getting used to the daily grind at the job site again. We were starting to feel more settled in with a daily routine. We were thinking about building a home. Now we are back to square one again. Switching jobs is not knew to us. We have done it enough. But in today's economy, I can't help but worry some. I am not panicked. I don't feel despair. I am optimistic that things will somehow work out for our family and that Jason will continue to provide for us. I know that Heavenly Father is watching over us, as He always has.


Right now we don't know what we will do. We are trying to think about different options and opportunities. We may stay here on Kauai, we may return again to Cache Valley, or we may go somewhere entirely new to us. But no matter what happens, I will still be torn....and missing some place with people who are very dear to me.